Figuratively of course..
Sure, we have our names.
A word we respond to, the one we are ascribed to, the word we are referred to as…
But what characterizes you?
How do you identify yourself?
We can take on many identities, you could even steal one..
But certainly, every individual has their OWN..
Unique to them.
As it should be.
So what’s yours?
Ever since I left that unfulfilling job, I went into the deepest introspection of my life thus far..
The pay cut was a setback but pay is different for everyone, in addition to their expenses.
Everyone is on their separate path, it’s different for everyone.
So a pay cut, isn’t so much of a “big” deal..
It’s just a minor setback that was caused by my resignation.
Being in that building reminded me of all the things I didn’t like about myself:
The people there reminded me of the times I let myself get taken advantage of,
and that was such a painful thing to be reminded of.
I wasn’t growing. I was doing the same thing every day with little to look forward to every week.
I was missing out on valuable time with my family.
I didn’t feel like I was contributing to anything greater than myself.
It felt like insanity, with no result in further happiness.
I felt myself deteriorating, becoming less and less happy with my life.
I thought the depression was bad in middle school, but when I was at this job..
It was so much worse. It was mental torture. And the daily tasks made it worse.
I feel so useless to society. I felt like I had little worth,
with little to live for.
It was a dark place. I didn’t think I would see an end of the hamster wheel of darkness, not until I left.
And so I did.
I had enough. And one thing is for sure.
When I left, the obligation of going to a place I hated for a good portion of my day/life was gone. Eliminated.
I didn’t have that dreadful feeling of a dreading my life any more.
I am so glad I left.
But the money was good. Hah.
It’s not easy to find starting wages like that on a regular basis.
I tell myself it was just a minor setback.
I’ll work at my own pace. It happens.
Some climb up the ladder
and they fall back down.
Then they find themselves trying to climb back up another one.
This job will be a better one.
I will feel a bit more useful than the previous one.
I hope that I will be able to do more than just this.
I will not accept a life of mediocrity.
There’s more to life than just this.
There’s more I can do with my life than just get bossed around doing things I absolutely hate.
There’s more to this.
Fuck the setbacks. I’ll move forward.
I am so upset with myself for not putting in the effort.
For not believing in myself enough.
And for not pushing myself forward.
If I don’t get my sh*t together now, I will surely regret the wasted time.
So what do I want?
I have to work for this.
Recently, I’ve been offered two jobs that pay by the hour.
One is going back to another monotonous job
and the other holds more variety. I will choose that one.
Both offer “decent” wages, higher than minimum wage of $7.25,
which is enough to keep me off the streets.
I often wonder what it’s like, the struggle of working a minimum wage job(s).
What it takes to make ends meet.. and the quality of life that comes with that.
I will start a position with a Health Service company, coordinating prescriptions for patients. And I believe I will enjoy it.
So that part of my life will be covered..
I will not be stressing over that area of my life anymore.
But what’s missing?
Now that all my basic physiological needs are met and I’m starting a new job..
I am hoping my life will get better and I will find a sort of fulfillment out of what is to come.
But underneath the job, there is something more to be accomplished.
And it will continue to scratch at me until I get there.
That’s what I want.
And the new employment is nice. Hopefully it will be fulfilling.
I will feel useful, like I am contributing to something much larger, a greater good.
Rather than just sitting at a computer desk for my entire work day, typing data or collecting payments day-in-and-day-out.. feeling like I’m wasting my life.
I will be contributing to a service which allows patients to receive their medication via mail.
So what other type of fulfillment am I looking for?!
That’s something only I can answer. 🙂
I think that comes with influencing, educating.
More to come on that…