Figuratively of course..
Sure, we have our names.
A word we respond to, the one we are ascribed to, the word we are referred to as…
But what characterizes you?
How do you identify yourself?
We can take on many identities, you could even steal one..
But certainly, every individual has their OWN..
Unique to them.
As it should be.
So what’s yours?
I am so upset with myself for not putting in the effort.
For not believing in myself enough.
And for not pushing myself forward.
If I don’t get my sh*t together now, I will surely regret the wasted time.
So what do I want?
I have to work for this.
Recently, I’ve been offered two jobs that pay by the hour.
One is going back to another monotonous job
and the other holds more variety. I will choose that one.
Both offer “decent” wages, higher than minimum wage of $7.25,
which is enough to keep me off the streets.
I often wonder what it’s like, the struggle of working a minimum wage job(s).
What it takes to make ends meet.. and the quality of life that comes with that.
I will start a position with a Health Service company, coordinating prescriptions for patients. And I believe I will enjoy it.
So that part of my life will be covered..
I will not be stressing over that area of my life anymore.
But what’s missing?
Now that all my basic physiological needs are met and I’m starting a new job..
I am hoping my life will get better and I will find a sort of fulfillment out of what is to come.
But underneath the job, there is something more to be accomplished.
And it will continue to scratch at me until I get there.
That’s what I want.
And the new employment is nice. Hopefully it will be fulfilling.
I will feel useful, like I am contributing to something much larger, a greater good.
Rather than just sitting at a computer desk for my entire work day, typing data or collecting payments day-in-and-day-out.. feeling like I’m wasting my life.
I will be contributing to a service which allows patients to receive their medication via mail.
So what other type of fulfillment am I looking for?!
That’s something only I can answer. 🙂
I think that comes with influencing, educating.
More to come on that…
My biggest killer is thinking that I’m not capable of obtaining anything that I desire, that I am not able to accomplish because I just don’t know enough.. It’s deadly.
My dreams start to dissolve.
I’m starting to sink back into it, this feeling that I’m wasting precious time. Time that I don’t even know how I should be spending.
I feel like I’m stuck with no idea what I should be doing. Yeah, I could find a better job.. something other than stacking boxes.
I could find a way to make money online. But how? There are so many ways to make money online. I just don’t know where to start.
All I want to think about is how sad I am in regards to what is happening in this country and all around the world.
I don’t know what the f*ck I’m supposed to be doing with my life and how to make anything profitable like my writing for instance or a clothing store.
One thing is for sure though, I know that
I am not alone
in feeling this way.
Many people feel stuck.
And we don’t necessarily know who or where to turn to for help..
I type these words, not for anyone to read (although it would be cool if someone did).
But to see them on the screen.
These are not the words I use within the confines of my journal pages, but the ones that are now displayed. Lost in hyperspace.
However, I know where to find them.
I’m a special flower and I will bloom until my heart’s content.
I will aim to fulfill my self-assigned purpose.
I will grow and make the mistakes that I own.
I will become wise, reflecting on the foolish mistakes I’ve made.
Adding them into the book of lessons along the way, through my journey through life.
This is me. This is raw.
Mostly unfiltered, mostly foolish, mostly young.
I have a lot to learn. I have a lot to do.
And I have a lot to live through.
I’m not getting the right nutrients for me to grow as a person.
I’ve noticed this for a while. Sometimes you think the people in your life want to help you be the best person you can possibly be, but when I look around.. I’ve actually gotten a lot of discouragement from people who haven’t done as much with their lives.
I’m out here trying to maximize the potential and value of my life. I’m not out here trying to settle for a mediocre life.
So I say reject discouragement
but at the same time,
accept it as encouragement.
Feed yourself the proper nutrient, self-talk, and encouragement necessary to grow. That’s what you truly need to grow.
USE IT AS FUEL!
While participating in a clinical research study, I took into account the staff members and what they did to test some new ketamine medicine. I thought about their careers and their certifications to be conducting the study. I thought about how the pharmaceutical company created the drug.
I have had A LOT of time to think.
It hadn’t started out from just there. While keying mail for hours on end, with the exception of taking short breaks between each hour, I continued to think about my future and of what use I am to the world.
This forward thinking has been going on for months, maybe years.
I have found that everything that I have ever seen, ever been through, and experienced.. It’s is all part of my life plan.